


Band of Gold

by MadisonAvenue21



Category: Homicide: Life on the Street, Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Divorce, F/M, Falling Out of Love, Marriage, Smoking, he still loves her
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 13:19:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19831051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadisonAvenue21/pseuds/MadisonAvenue21
Summary: As much as she knew it would hurt him, someone had to pull the plug





	Band of Gold

**Author's Note:**

> I've never written SVU or any L&O stories. It's my first and maybe my last?? I got the idea for this story while watching Homicide: Life on the Street. I'm o b s e s s e d with Carol Kane (who plays Gwen in Homicide and SVU) and after watching her episodes I knew I had to write a story about Gwen and John's divorce. I'm thinking about writing one other story about when Gwen and Lenny went together but that's another crackhead idea for another day. Anyways, kudos and comments always appreciated   
> xox

She was on her fourth cigarette, pacing back and forth with a tear stained face. He hadn’t been home for almost two days. They had fought again, the third time this week. Nothing new, unfortunately. Her eyes darted to and from the phone on the wall, careful not gaze too long, almost as if the phone was taunting her. She wanted to call again, but she knew he would be mad. _How many times have I told you, don’t call the desk unless it’s an emergency._ Fuck it. As if Gwen had no control, she gave in willingly. She held the cigarette between her lips as she placed the receiver close to her ear, listening for the dial tone as if she didn’t believe it would really be there. Dialing the number, the one she knew by heart, Gwen leaned up against the wall, wrapping the cord around her finger.

“Hey, hi, is John there?”  
“It’s his wife, Gwen?”  
“Are you sure? I called earlier.”  
“They said he’d be back by now.”  
“Well, do you know where he is?”  
“Please? It’s important.”

As she hung up the phone, Gwen breathed a sigh of relief that John hadn’t been there to take the call. She thought she was ready to do it but now she wasn’t so sure; she had to be sure. In that moment, she only a minute to decide if this was what she wanted.

No.

But someone had to pull the plug; as unpleasant as the job was. Gwen exhaled deeply before finishing off her cigarette and putting it out in the overcrowded ash tray. She threw on her jacket and grabbed her pack of cigarettes before trying to force herself out the door. She stopped quickly to look at herself in the mirror. Her blonde curly hair was being held back by her sunglasses, her mascara had long since gone and most of it relocated on her cheeks. She licked her thumb and wiped away the remanence of her breakdown. Her eyes, tired and red, made it look as though she hadn’t slept in a week—she hadn’t slept since John left— she could hide all that, but nothing could hide the hurt in her eyes.

She glanced down, catching a glimpse at the framed picture that was sitting on a small table underneath the mirror; their wedding picture. Their arms linked as John leaned over and kissed her on the temple. Her scrunched up face and his smirk was all people ever talked about. They looked so happy, or at least as happy as one could be. She wished she could tell them what was going to happen, warn them at least. The longer she looked at it, the sadder she got, the angrier she got. She put the picture face down on the table and slipped another cigarette between her lips before barreling out the door and never looking back.

***

When Gwen entered the diner, she felt the weight on her heart double. She was secretly thankful it was nearly empty, or else she was afraid she was going to lose her nerve. She was already on the edge of turning back as it was. Casually looking around, she noticed John almost right away, squeezed into a corner at a back table looking over a menu periodically. It was now or never.

“John?”

“Gwen, what the hell are you doing here? Sit down!” he grabbed her arm and tugged her into the seat opposite of him.

“What am _I_ doing? Have you seen yourself? You’re a grown man sitting in a corner peeping over a menu like a child.” She lit another cigarette, forgetting what number she was up to.

“What are you doing here, Gwen?” he asked more sternly.

“You haven’t been home for almost two days, John! You could have been dead for all I know.”

“You can’t just come to me while I’m working, this is dangerous. You could have blown my cover.”

“I’m sorry, I tried to call yo—”

“You called the desk?” he pinched the bridge of his nose. “What have I told you about that?”

“I just wanted to know you were okay. What am I supposed to think when you don’t call?”

“I’m sorry for doing my job. Would you like hourly updates from now on?”

“Okay, I get it. You don’t have to be an asshole about it.” His face softened and he exhaled to release the tension he had been holding. “Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t come here to pick another fight. I really didn’t.” She avoided his gaze and took a drag from her cigarette. “I just need to talk to you.”

“Not now, Gwen. Seriously.”

“It’s important, John.”

“Whatever it is, we can talk about it later.”

“I can’t wait until later, I gotta say it.” She bounced her knee up and down and squeezed her temple.

“Not. now.”

“John…”

“What can be more important than me catching these—”

“I think we should get a divorce.” She blurted out softly. Her monotoned confession was almost so quiet, he thought he heard wrong.

“Gwen…” John lowered the menu slowly to meet her gaze.

“I’ve done a lot of thinking the past couple days, I-I think we should get a divorce. You don’t love me anymore and I don’t know that I love you anymore… and that’s okay because people fall out of love sometimes.” Her voice shook, in a way John had never heard before. “Even if you do still love me, John. You don’t like me or the person that I am.”

“Yes, I do—”

“No, you don’t, John. No, you don’t.” she shook her head and took another drag from her cigarette. This time, a longer one as if it would give her courage. “You like the Gwen you married, the one on medication. That’s why we got married in the first place, because you didn’t _really_ see me before, the real me anyways. All of that, it was the meds… meds I stayed on for you, even though they made me miserable, but I thought that’s what love was? Sacrificing your happiness for someone else’s but I couldn’t do it, John. I couldn’t be miserable for the next forty years just so you could be happy with the girl you married. I wanted to live a life where I could be present, with memories and emotions, I couldn’t do that before I went off the meds.”

“I’ll be the first one to admit our marriage isn’t perfect, but a divorce? Gwen, we can make it work.”

“You know you’re just saying that. What’s the point in staying together when all we’re going to do is drive each other to hate one another?”

“We won’t—”

“Yes, we will, John. Look at us! Look at what’s already happened.” She put out the cigarette against her shoe and put it on the table. “If I stay off the meds, you’ll grow hate me. If I go back on the meds just for you, I’ll resent you for that. We’re not that far off from it. We can’t go on like this, we’ll kill each other.” John looked at her with pleading eyes, but he knew, Gwen had already made her choice. “I finally realized that _this_ is my sacrifice, letting you go so you can be happy with someone else… as much as it hurts.”

“I don’t need anyone else.”

“John, please. You may not understand now, but one day you will; this is what will make both of us happy, don’t you see? I don’t have to be on the meds, I can experience life again and you can be with someone you like, that you love… someone who will keep you happy.” She slid her wedding ring off her finger and set it down gently in the middle of the table between them. “We can talk more when you come home.”

“Don’t go, Gwen.” He reached out to grab her arm, but she was already halfway out the door by the time John came to his senses. She turned her head and gave him a sympathetic smile before barreling through the door, running anywhere, just away from the diner.

Suddenly, it was as if everything had stopped. The crackling griddle, the rusty fan, a gabbing group of teenagers, his heart. Silence, as he stared at the gold band she had left behind in solidarity. He wanted to throw it, far, into the Hudson but he could never. He reached for his wallet in his back pocket, hoping to keep it safe and hidden there until he could figure out what to do with it. As he opened his wallet, he saw the picture he kept of him and Gwen in one of the folds; her arms reaching from behind him to wrap around his neck as she kissed his cheek. The picture was crinkled and even torn in one spot, but he refused to take it out. It had been his favorite picture of the two of them. He looked at it every day before work. She was his reason to survive, to be safe, to come home at night. Now what?

He couldn’t help but notice how happy they looked. He wished he could tell them what was going to happen to them, warn them at least… but it wouldn’t of have done them any good, not now anyways.


End file.
